Hidup Sendiri #5

 

      Today is the first day of Ramadhan. My life is never the same again. Waking up for sahur alone... praying fajr alone... hence, breaking the fast alone. Hmm... actually I'm not that alone. I have few friends around me. I guess we are just the same. Some of us are from different states. 

      To be really honest, I don't know why Allah sent me here, in this place. A place that exists far away from my beloved home, my beloved family. Is it hurt? Of course. This is my first time distancing and living independently without my sisters, brother, mother, and father. I used to hate it a lot when I need to stay alone without them. The history back then in my life has changed me, perhaps? I was a crybaby. I got all the fears of living alone without my parents. I cried and cried all the time even though I was just living around them. 

     Right now, in this moment... I'm here all alone. A few years passed by, and I have encouraged to face all the fears and all the possibilities on my own. I didn't expect that, actually. I never thought that I will be thrown into this place in the future. I never thought that I will face this. I never thought about it at all. I'm just walking and following the flow. Everything happened in just a blink. My inner child could never think of it too, I guess? 

      I'm a person with a very sensitive heart. I don't know how to settle everything alone. Sometimes my hands are trembling and my heart is beating so fast. I will be sweating a lot. I used to be hurt easily. I felt burdened on my shoulder when I tried to control something that I can't. Some people used to mock me for my insecurities. Some people used to say that I was overreacting to the situation that I had been through. The moment the words came out of their mouth, I felt like my world is crashing. I felt like all the things that happened to me had nothing to do with them anymore. That's why... I will hide my problems. If you are the one who I shared a lot with, that means I put my trust in you. Even though I'm not supposed to. 

     So... back on the topic. Living alone. Personally, I think it's good for us to try living alone. We will never stay together eternally. We will be on different paths. Some of us will try to live in others countries. Some of us will have our own families, career, and targets. Our life is different. We have our own purpose, isn't it? 

      That same goes for me. I know it's hard to be familiar with this place. I know it's hard to be comfortable in this situation. But this is what I'm asking for. This is what I prayed for. This is what I chose to be in. So, I really need to try my best to face it. I need to have the power to walk by and never turn back, again. I will try to shut all of their mouths. They don't deserve to say those words to me... they would never be in my shoes. They are just living in their world... and they're not me. Never will.